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  • tornlineage43

How My Sexuality Affects Me

A huge issue that I have never talked about beyond close friends and my therapist. I knew I was different in the fifth grade and ever since then, probably developed anxiety about it. The love or lack thereof from familial members. I remember reading about teens being disowned and thrown out on the streets. This was how you showed love when someone is different? Thinking about, I remember so much about this time. One, I kissed a boy and liked it. Katy Perry may have the lyrics, but I lived it.

It was the last day of fifth grade. I was dared to kiss a boy, so I did it. Dares and challenges bring up my competitive nature. Hard not to when you have a ton of brothers. Anyway, I was called names and picked on for the rest of the day. How was I to know I was different. They told my uncle. Maybe that is how our disconnect began. He doesn't remember this day. I do. The looks, the teasing, old fashion bullying based on upbringing. I don't blame or love him any less. He is very progressive. Microaggressions and alienation are common themes I learned about; deal with constantly.

This disconnect spread. More members of my family treated me differently. I don't remember the exact days or actions. The first is always significant. Back in high school, bisexuality hit a BOOM. Many and lots of people were open and suddenly BI was in. I don't know if I am a Kinsey 3 or 4, but I have predominately dated men. Yes, I am still attracted to women, but few if any were open when I have gone on dates. It was like, oh - you like men too. No thanks, I am afraid of you cheating. As if that was exclusively to heterosexual men.

Anyways, it was a disaster. I came out and got the only love that mattered. A mother's. She loves me unconditionally and that was my biggest fear to date. It is not all rainbow flags and happy endings. My family and I have a disconnect. I grew up worried they wouldn't love me, so I had to distance myself emotionally. This is the reason I am not as close to my family as I would like to be. I take full responsibility.

The remedy is still being sought. I have anxiety and depression. They think me a flake when some-days I need to recharge my inner battery to simply function. This is easy to explain, but may be difficult to grasps. I learned to live for me and not others. If removing family means I have my sanity and health, so be it. I am no longer an appeasing young man, bu a 30 plus year old who only concern is my responsibilities. That didn't use to be the case, but now is my priority. The ability to look in the mirror and being proud of who I am. What I have accomplished and how I ACTIVELY work on me to be a better version than yesterday.

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