This assignment was more than an assignment, but the most influential relationship I have. I had to clear with my older brother Enoch, he is like a second father to me. Let me begin by describing our relationship. He was there as more than a awesome big brother, but a role model and someone I felt like would always have my back. And I have yet to feel like he is not there for me, he is an amazing person. He is the typical quiet, caring man but only for those he cares about the most. He is like that from our father, a Scorpio that is hard to get to know. I feel like my dad is a wall of stone. Tough and together but hard to get through to, but brother not so much but I notice the similarities here and there. Now don't get me wrong, I love my father as well. Heck, I am the splitting image of him which annoys me sometimes because I am my own man and have my own personality, believes, and philosophy of life. Yet, I look like my father, share his taste of books, a business mind set, and a few qualities here and there. But we have to grow out of father's shadow to be our own person and I think I did that a long time ago, however I have middle child syndrome and want to please my parents so much that his approval is necessary. But not the person I want to be, were I live my life to his criteria so I try to avoid that. What a load of baggage and still growing to find my identity. Now, the clearing assignment with my brother was one that was more personal and important to my heart than any others.
I have only four opinions that matter to me- my mother, my brother Enoch, my uncle Pat, and his twin Patricia (my auntie). These are the people I love and value their opinions the most. So as a strong willed, individual pisces that is proud to be bisexual. Not everyone in my family knew the truth not because of shame but because this is a precise decision and must be dealt with delicately. My uncle was one of the first people to know in my family, then my mother and my brother. I didn't know my brother knew into last Saturday. Image my shock and weariness one of the few people I care and value the must knew something that I had been trying to delicately break the news to- already knew. My mom told him, am I mad? Hardily, just unexpectedly unknown into my mom's friend Kim, who is like family asked about my old cut on my finger another long story and she asked if I met any guys or girls. My mouth fell open at work, when I was like I didn't tell you. And nonchalantly your mom did, oh was my only reply as I wrapped my mind around this. And next question, who else knows? All your brothers and they knew since Labor Day.
Shock and amazement ran through my mind, that people I care about and value have known for some time and yet hasn't been brought up in conversation but I was not angry but joyous. The process of having to slowly tell one person at a time to let them handle it was no longer necessary. Just I guess that each had to deal with this new one at a time in his or her own way, which was fine with me. That is the point of this long story, so Sunday after the AIDS walk I was trying to figure out a way to talk to my brother. So finally when I got home, we sat down and hashed it out. Not so much as the exercise describes but I believe fits in some ways because when trying to follow exact directions things are filtered and the full meaning and emotions build up instead of being release to some kind of revelation. My brother is not happy with the lifestyle I have chosen, and I asked him would he rather I be unhappy the rest of my life? Wondering, suffering a failed marriage if not chance to live a life that is my own, or simply doing something because I am too cowardly to be me and just assimilate into the society mode of who I am suppose to be instead of who I am. We talked and finally agreed to disagree that God made me this way and I didn't decide this life and we are brothers and that is all that matters. I just wanted it to be out in the open and be happy which is all he cares about, which makes him big brother of the year and still my hero in life. I know it sounds cheesy, but he is and I will always value his opinion rather I agree with it or not.
I believe that over time we will have a more valuable relationship, and now if I wanted to bring a man home for dinner I can and not just women if I decide to date a guy, which is a nice idea. It won't go over smooth of course, because my life is a soap opera and I know it. I love them all still but I wonder if this is in the blood. Science has said maybe by at least 50% likely that it is heredity. So how did I become this way, unless someone in the gene pool surprised their desires and urges to be what society is and who is living a life less then fully happy? This question has dawned on me from time to time but none the less I am happy and living a life that I value and think is not hurting anyone so why should it matter that I like men just as much as women? It isn't a question of natural or unnatural but just what is. I think that nonsense is trying to make it seem unnatural so to stop equality. That said that about race and gender and now that is in the past for the most part, even if there is still discrimination but it is getting better over time. I just hope someday when my children grow up in a world where he or she can marry whomever they like and the world is still not in the pass with hate and prejudice.
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