Easy, be a person of color and a minority in the gay world. I had a awesome and productive week. Perspective is a bitch. She can make you feel amazing or lower than low. Here I was writing and finishing another book, so what did I do to celebrate? Fell into old patterns. I wanted a date or a little confidence booster. So I went on Scruff. I like Scruff and made some awesome friends over the years. We don't see our value in ourselves, but seek it out in others. I spent two hours talking to men from all over the world. Not to hook up, just to chat and see what sparks happen. I think I am at a age where dating is like winning the lottery, it probably won't happen. Asked a guy for drinks or dinner after we talked to see if he was interested. Not at this time. What am I asking him to buy timeshares? Just say not interested, trying to be nice is worst then being blunt. It has negative psychological effects and depression hit. You aren't worthy. It isn't him, it's you. These thoughts came racing back. For me, I shut down the app. Took a few deep breath and remembered most people aren't sure what they want in life. So why would dating be any different? Gay men are men. Horny bastards who some say what needs to be said to lower your guard and fuck before ghosting. This isn't new. What is, is how you respond. I dont sleep around not because I am not sex positive. It isnt in my DNA. I believe how we are raised and our religious backgrounds back a huge part to successful dating regardless of sexuality. A lot of gay men don't want marriage because they believe it is a patriarchal thing, not traditional or conservative, or plain having too much fun. The party always ends and to end up alone is sad in my opinion. I want someone to share a conversation with, intimacy from putting in the work, time and effort. These is lacking in a culture of immediate gratification. I know for a fact, I was born in the wrong era. Give me a chance to shine writing romantic letters, having the family and friends approve first. That is something that can break a relationship. Learning is seeing the flaws and being willing to grow from them. I won't stop using scruff. Why? I have hope that there is one person who i can connect with beyond just the physical.
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